The Great State of Iowa

Dave Thomas: philanthropist, restaurateur, orphan, and a passionate hater of Iowa. Today I woke up at a rest stop somewhere East of Des Moines. After a few minutes on the road, it was decided that Wendy's and Wendy's alone would satisfy our appetites. McDonalds? No thanks, Morgan Spurlock. Burger King? Not after that child molester in the King mask made all those commercials. Taco Bell? Yeah right...we need to make good time without stopping every 30 minutes. Therefore it must be the delicious 5 piece chicken nuggets, the original Frosty (I don't know what this new vanilla flavor is), and the square burgers. That's right, square burgers. While other fast food places may cut corners on their meat, Wendy's is committed to giving you the beef, the whole beef, and nothing but the beef.

However, every exit came and went without a single Wendy's advertised. Over 100 miles we traveled, our bellies begging for respite, before we happened upon Des Moines. It was there we saw the one and only Wendy's since leaving Illinois.

Now, why do you think there is a noticeable absence of this land's favorite fast food chain (in this case, good food quickly instead of reheated cardboard)? I have two theories, as usual.

1) Dave Thomas hates Iowa. He never warmed up to corn in his adult years after his foster parents were never able to afford it, instead propagandizing him with anti-corn sentiment. The soft, rolling hills slowly waving back and forth with the stalks made him nauseous. He suffered from motion sickness as an adolescent and he couldn't have any of his restaurants in any city in which he could not stand still without vomiting.

2) Small business owners in Iowa are terrified of Wendy's. They know as sure as the rapture in this Bible belt extension that Wendy's will knock the socks off any other in and out eatery. They have prayed and meditated over the issue. The answer, of course, is bribes. They have been putting members of the Chamber of Commerce into homes well beyond their means for years. Every additional bedroom, every 10 additional horsepower, every additional Italian cut suit these men have, the fewer and fewer commercial lots available for Wendy's.

The zoning committees will give in. They will. Burger King just ain't that good. Get ready Iowans. Dave Thomas has passed on and his minions will prevail.